2009 - End of the year

Life has been a puzzle to me... 2009 has been the most problematic and a confusing year. Lots of trials and tribulations that i had to and here to fulfill my wishes and so on....

Moving forward for the year 2010... I'm in a positive aura and hope for the best..

Sleeping Difficulty....

Since i felt sick since 3 days ago....I've not been getting enough sleep.... its barely 4 hours a day i sleep.. i feel so tired and exhausted but i just cant seem to sleep... i keep asking myself. 'Is there anything you are bothered about or worried'. I can't seem to find the answer at all.

I follow my sleeping schedule,like sleeping at around 11.30pm but the moment its almost 2.30pm..I'm wide awake till dawn which gives me only 3 hrs of sleep in a  day as during the day I'm at work or running errands. Then finally i decided to Google under sleep problems and this is what i found out.....

Insomnia

Insomnia is itself often a symptom of other problems. Typical patterns of insomnia include the inability to fall asleep or stay asleep at night, waking up earlier than usual, and daytime fatigue. Most people with insomnia don't fall asleep in inappropriate situations, like driving. If this does occur, it may signal that a medical disorder (such as sleep apnea) is the cause of insomnia.

Sleep Apnea

Excessive daytime sleepiness is the primary symptom. Some people will deny sleepiness but feel fatigued. Other symptoms are snoring, snorting, and gasping sounds when you sleep -- often first noticed by a sleeping partner. Restless or unrefreshed sleep is also typical, as are headaches in the morning.

Narcolepsy

Excessive sleepiness during the day, alleviated by naps, is a symptom of narcolepsy. Dreaming during naps and experiencing dream-like hallucinations as you fall asleep are also warning signs. Loss of muscle control (called cataplexy) that occurs with emotion, such as laughing or anger, and the inability to move as you're going to sleep or waking up (called sleep paralysis) are also symptoms.

Restless Leg Syndrome

The primary warning sign is the irresistible urge to move your legs shortly after you get into bed, in the middle of the night after awakening, or even when wide awake during the day. It usually feels better if you get up to walk around or rub your leg. "Creepy-crawly" or twitching feeling in your calves, feet, thighs, or arms are symptoms of restless leg syndrome -- the sensations of discomfort can be quite varied. Kicking or twitching leg movements during sleep, and sometimes while awake, may be warning signs.

I think i likely fall under the insomnia category. Which made me to Google more to get more information on Insomnia and the treatment and here are my remarks too......

Insomnia

Once you and your doctor have ruled out any medical problems that may be causing your insomnia, you might try self-care methods. "Good sleep hygiene" refers to practices you can follow to help ensure adequate, quality sleep.

   Good sleep hygiene:

• Stick to a regular bedtime schedule. Try to get out of bed at the same time each morning, even if it's a weekend or holiday. - its a regular routine to wake up ever Mon - Fri at the same time... sat i wake up late.. this is been going on for the past year.... Y suddenly a change?
  
• Avoid napping during the day. - i don't sleep during the day at all
  
• Avoid stressful activities and vigorous exercise for two hours before going to bed. Do exercise regularly, but earlier in the day. - I've been skipping this activity due to time constrain.
  
• Before going to bed, try relaxation techniques, such as deep breathing, yoga, or meditation. - will need to try it out soon
  
• Make sure your bedroom is dark, quiet, and cool. Use earplugs or eye shades if needed. - my room curtain's are thick, quiet and cool with a/c
  
• Leave the bedroom if you can't sleep. Go into another room and read, or do something relaxing and quiet. - if i were to do that, then need to answer my uncle who doesn't sleep according to the time as he is still  trying to adjust from UK timing. Moreover i feel so comfy in my own room.
  
• Avoid substances that contain caffeine, such as coffee, tea, soft drinks, or diet pills. - never took them
  
• Avoid alcohol and nicotine before bed. - i did drink red wine but normal circumstances i would sleep off early
 

I need a solution fast enough so that this doesn't effect my health in a long run. Any suggestions??

 

Post graduation dinner

Graduation - 09

Finally... the word that i so wana hear after slogging my ass out for almost 1 year 6mths.....

24th October 09 would be the happiest day even though it was for my Diploma. At least mum and dad had an opportunity seeing their only daughter graduating... i hope my brother keeps this an an example and graduate faster. I would definitely would want to set an example for him even knowing I'm not the best sister in the world. the below pics will explain my mood and atmosphere of the day.

Maintanence list

After what had happen on my past experience with guys, i don't even want to think about getting into anything serious or wat so ever. But yes... i did but didn't put on high hopes and the fear or being rejected and being pinned down cannot be tolerated anymore. I've got to things about the future and myself.

Everyone thinks I'm with A but the true fact is we are just closed friends and we have both talked about it. Nothing to rush about. How do i rectify the comments and thinking that i and A are just friends. People do not make assumptions based on what do you see.

Then comes B & C who are foreigners, gosh.. i cant handle locals..then how to handle foreigners.

D is A's cousin.... whom i have a chemistry with.. we do go out but secretly because we do not want A to think of anything. Blood ties are always strong.

E comes along as my associates but knows A & D. Will i ever find someone who is not related to A at all to make things easier for me. E and i do have a chemistry but he's not here right.. so i do have a long time break to adjust when ever the meet up is.

Lastly is F...whom i meet while clubbing. Also a foreigner, never thought he will be like any other guys around.. just wana be with you for fun and then forget you after that day. He went back to .... and drop me an email. He's trying to get me a job where ever he is...

The morale that i got from here would be.. never judge a book by its cover and you need to move on in life... you need a guy...

Selfish??

In accordance to the wikiepedia, SELFISH denotes the precedence given in thought or deed to the self, i.e., self interest or self concern. It is the act of placing one's own needs or desires above the needs or desires of others. Selfishness is the opposite of altruism (selflessness).

The implications of selfishness have inspired divergent views within religious, philosophical, psychological, economic and evolutionary contexts.

At times, i do feel i am selfish because of my doings. But how much can we do to satisfy other rather than our own self?

Mixed up feelings!!

FEELINGS!! is the nominalization of "to feel". The word was first used in the English language to describe the physical sensation of touch either through experience or perception. (from Wikipedia).

I think i am going through a dilemma within myself because of someone that i like. It's been ages since i ever felt like this... is it because i spend most of my time with him or is it a feeling that i cannot cheat myself or is it a feeling that you have when you are being very close to someone.

Talking things out and sharing things will be a good start... but that is just not me to do that!!... I am a very conservative person and would rather keep my feelings then sharing.... I have made the first move once.. saying i am starting to like you.. the response was good as he likes me but we will both see how far can this go on when the time comes we will decide what to do for the future.. like take it up to the next level.

Last nite... we had a talk... i was high on my Actifed but managed to talked sense to him.. at this one point he said that '' tell out what ever you wan to say to that someone now if not its going to be too late or you would not have a chance anymore!''. Did he mean something in his sentence, was it hitting on me to tell out my feelings towards him.... I was tempted to.. but thinking again.. all the obstacles we would be facing and also the past experience.. I'm pretty sure that the both of us cannot commit ourselves yet.

Questioning myself on the situation back again... ''Am i ready to commit myself into a relationship with him or not?'' , ''Is he ready for it also, has he overcome his past?'' , ''Will things change if i were to tell out my feelings and now his feelings have change'' , ''Can he accept my past and future; whereby i myself is not sure?''.

I'm not in love with him yet but i do get restless if i do not speak or see him for a day... i always think of him, i can actually tolerate his craziness and also him teasing me, and etc....
Can i deny myself from not loving him???

I know the feeling of sweet and bitter love!! So i am pretty sure that i am not in love yet with him but wouldn't mind to take the relationship to the next level.... its been almost 3 mths plus that i have been with him.... and getting to know him better even though knowing him for the past 6 years plus.

I think i will tell him my true feelings when i'm really ready and also that i can manage the relationship so tat we both wouldn't fall back in what happen in the past with the both of us. Shall not make the past a barrier to move forward but the barrier will always be there and trying to make you take a step behind.